Author Archives: Chris Kenealy

Gaming Industry Heads In The Cloud

Streaming movies has become the bread and butter of online entertainment and it seems that many others companies are meaning to jump on this trend of instant access. Now Netflix has created their own television series that are strictly online, music can be streamed like a radio giving you the option to pick the songs you want to with Spotify, and now Microsoft and Sony are trying to do the same with video games. With the new Xbox One and the PlayStation 4 releasing at the end of the year Microsoft and Sony have jumped on the bandwagon to download games direct to your console. I am sure they are going to act like they are a convenient and normal way to download movies and music too, but let’s be serious folks; it will mostly have to do with downloading games instead of buying discs. Now future generations have the opportunity to slowly wait for a game to disappear from their hard drive when they are angry at a game, instead of the time old tradition of taking a flame throwing to the disc after you bitten it because you couldn’t mater the back flip off the waterfall in the ice level while shooting Nazi Zombie’s with your prototype laser cannon all the while your anthropomorphic bear friends waits at the bottom with the escape hovercraft. Of course if they are trying to kick out your granddad’s disc based games they are going to either rapidly expand the memory capacities of their console, which is really expensive, or move to a dedicated cloud system to free up computing space on the console.

More specifically Microsoft’s Xbox One is taking on a more focused role with the cloud computing with Windows Azure and giving the console a little more extra processing power, claiming that it will improve the look of the games. So, three cheers for Microsoft understanding the future! While the PlayStation 4 is more or less using the cloud technology to simply download games to your PS4, and let others play your game for you because Sony announced that using the cloud would not improve the graphics on the system and thus not worth using for that particular reason. So furthermore… wait a minute. So one company says that cloud computing will improve the graphics of their games and be able to constantly update the technology of the box and the other says it can’t do that. Now I am not a console expert but I am thinking that one of those two have to be wrong. Now, before I go off spouting wild accusations about the integrity of a faceless, giant, lawfully a person (for some reason) corporation I should get my facts straight.

Microsoft has recently come out to claim that their cloud network has expanded to 300,000 different servers for their cloud based computing systems for North America. This means that with your Xbox One you will be able to connection with any number of servers if the game you are playing has online components. If that is the case certain processing powers will have the ability to render on the cloud giving the gaming console the ability to free up memory to improve graphics and flow of a game. Of course it goes without saying that cloud computing may take a bit longer to render a landscape than what video gamers maybe use to since it would have to connect to an offsite server and not already have the console do the needed processing functions. Then again as many of you know based on the popular trends of console rendering power with games, many detail oriented concepts don’t need to be constantly updated as the character moves through the virtual world. Lighting is a good example of how the game uses a complex calculation to create the light of the game but the calculation remains constant through the level thus moving the rendering to the cloud will free up more space on the console for greater graphics power or better frames rates. Of course this will only be the case if the developers of a game for the Xbox One have an online component and you are also connected to high speed internet. So it is a step in the right direction if what Microsoft is claiming will come to fruition when their Xbox One comes out.

When it comes to Sony, well they don’t seem to be as ambitious with putting their eggs in the computing basket. Basically Sony is using the cloud for more social media and game storage. Already their cloud system is used to download games to your server to play on your console as well as social media components for online play, and the PlayStation 4 will expand that with sharing video clips of your game and allowing others to play your game for you. So they aren’t exactly breaking new ground but more or less maintaining what they already have with the PlayStation 3.

Okay, well both are using cloud computing, but I am wondering which system will succeed in the expansion of cloud technology. It seems that Microsoft is leading the way to really exercise the abilities of the cloud servers they created. If my crystal ball is any sense of how the future will progress Microsoft is really taking a larger step forward than Sony and if the Xbox One can out do their competition with more advancement it seems that the corporate world of the free market nature will look towards more expansive uses in cloud technology. Of course if you aren’t into my 100% truthful fortune telling abilities then just look at any corporate technology. Whatever works will become the accepted norm and with what Microsoft is doing seems to be on the right side of cloud technology with its more expansive nature with their new product. So do you think Sony will follow suit, or do you think people are still too scared to actually do what is good for them in the name of change?

By Chris Kenealy

Cloud Video Streaming And Subscriptions

Cloud Video Streaming And Subscriptions

Cloud Video Streaming And Subscriptions

What is better? Wait… let me start over here. Is ownership with a one time price or a monthly subscription with a constant flux of entertainment a better option with internet based entertainment? I guess this is more of a subjective question with the person but these are really the two options unless you are just being sneaky and torrenting everything. So avoiding a potential FCC fine and jail time let’s just stay with the good old fashion paying for everything and focus on the technology of internet streaming and how the cloud is playing it’s part with your Saturday night stay at home date.hulu

To take a major step to the left from where we are going, Darwin once wrote most famously, that only the strongest and most aptly fit to their surroundings will survive.  While it takes a great deal of time to watch Darwin’s arguments of evolution in the natural realm it seems ever so clear this is how business works as well.  With the recent death of the video rental store for the convenience of internet streaming and downloading we have seen the strongest survive with a society plugged into the internet.  With Netflix, Hulu, Sony’s PSN store, Amazon Instant Videos, iTunes, and many on-demand internet television subscriptions it is easy for anyone with a simple internet connection to ignore the traditional means of watching the latest movie for instant access, with a few limitations.

Unlimited Subscriptions:

With the most common internet streaming companies provide unlimited streaming data with a monthly or yearly subscription.  Netflix and Hulu Plus are the most common companies that provide television and movies that have a month to month payment plan, while Amazon Instant Video comes with the yearly subscription to Amazon Prime. These companies have a similar process when it comes to activating an account.

  • Provide personal information

  • Choose the service options (if provided)

  • Check Internet Connection requirements

  • Provide credit card information

  • Begin streaming on shows and movies.

netflixThese are the most popular choice among most people because it is a simple subscription that is less than buying or renting a movie and you have the option to watch anything on the companies list of movies and television shows. On top of that you can watch what is provided to you at any time without having to pay another price on top of the month subscription.  The only drawback is that you do not personally own the movies on your streaming account and a movie you may like a lot is subject to removal. Yet with the ever expanding cloud technology more and more films, and television shows are able to be placed on the company’s server giving you more options. Of course this isn’t news to even the most amateur of internet users, so we need to compare this option to a buy to own like ITunes or Sony’s option with the personal account cloud.

Pay as You Go:

Moving to the horse of a different color you have cloud operated downloaded purchases with outlets like Amazon Instant Video, Sony’s PlayStation Network (PSN) store, and iTunes.  This is either pay to purchase or rent but you do not have a monthly subscription option for unlimited access. Sure you have to give up all your personal information and credit card numbers once, so as you don’t have to be bothered every time you buy something, but the real question is how is it stored once you bought it.  On iTunes, Amazon Instant Video, the PlayStation Network Store, and countless others are developing the technology to use the cloud for each of their customers. With that option, many believe hard copies will become a thing of the past. Regardless, once you:

  • Download the companies program

  • Submit private information for an account (including personal information and financial information)

  • Search for the content you want.

  • Pay the fee and the product will be uploaded to your device.

Then you own a digital copy of a movie that is stored on the companies cloud device.  You can watch it whenever you like, and it doesn’t take up much hard drive space as it might if you downloaded the whole movie or television show to your devices hard drive. Of course once you own a film on the cloud it doesn’t mean much unless there is a simple way to pull the content up on a device and enjoy it.  Cloud technology is an important step, but with one step you need to take another step so you aren’t off balanced.

When it comes to the growth of cloud technology the people behind this push for a wider reach need to understand the that general public wants only the minimal effort for it to catch on.  People like to know what it does, but not how it works.  Now in a cloud base technology website that may sound absurd but hear me out.  For something to catch on by all people they need to know the basics so they can trust the technology and it operate it.  If the cloud becomes too technical then it will be abandoned for easier tech.  A perfect example of this would be how many people have made disparaging remarks about Windows 8 because it added a layer of complexity to the start up menu that most people didn’t want. I know many people who have Windows 8 and downgraded to have the straight forward startup screen they are custom to see. So when you use cloud base technology but do not have an easy method to upload your content then your company has a problem.

With most popular internet media companies this is not a problem, but sometimes the technology can become so impressive that it forgets about niche markets that can be an afterthought to a company’s main product.  For instance Sony’s PlayStation Network is great for downloading the latest PlayStation 3 videogames.  It is a simple click and it will download it to a folder straight into the sections labeled games.  It is simple, it is sweet, and it is easy to use.  Now with reports given to me from several different people I talked to wanting to download a television series or film, they found it to be slightly more difficult finding their product after they paid for it.

Comparison:

So which concept is more beneficial to use? Well that is more depended on your wants, and the company’s structure. I, myself, would be considered a hybrid as most of you would.  I enjoy using both platforms, but only when the cloud technology isn’t a hindrance.  Simplicity is the key to internet streaming movies and television series.  Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Instant Video, and ITunes are the nest examples of this is the market, but the market will be shifting quickly.  With Sony’s PlayStation 4 and Microsoft’s Xbox One being released this year the demand for cloud technology will become even more apparent in today’s market of mass media.  Both systems have implemented a strong backing of cloud technology for better processing power with the machine thus, more and more television and films will be placed on the cloud.  So in the future we are excited to see how the cloud technology will be upgraded and how that might affect our society as a whole.

By Chris Kenealy

How The Cloud Would Have Been Sold If It Was Invented In The…

How The Cloud Would Have Been Sold If It Was Invented In The…

How The Cloud Would Have Been Sold If It Was Invented In The…

1) 1970s

It is the super jam, it is super fly, it can store your super needs, and it is dy-no-mite. Let me ask you, what are you using to store all your Lafayette Afro Rock Band and Al Green Albums? A cardboard box you found at the back of a liquor store? Please that is for the squares and geeks and not the soulful man or foxy lady that your really are. Let me tell you about another righteous box that will take you from being foul to funky.

1970s

This cloud can hold on to all your music, photos, movies, papers, or whatever you heart desires. Plus, when you want it just snap your fingers and BAM you got it no matter where you are. The cloud will find you and give you what you need over the freshest web of circuits that connect you to me and vice versa.

Hop on the train and let the cloud take you to the max with a cloud that is so secure even Richard Nixon won’t be able to break in to look at your stored goodies. The cloud is here to stay and it is going to be the 1970s forever. Can you dig it?

2) 1960s

Hey man do you have five minutes for world peace, how about the whales, well then how about cloud computing? Let me tell you about this groovy new box that, like, will hold all your things… man. It is cool how you can put all your happening stuff in one place and never lose anything again… my man. The cloud is like living in a commune that has everything you need for you whenever you need it… man. It is a whole new bag when you got something that will hold your beat protest poetry about the war and love… my man. The cloud will keep things cool when you are on a bus headed to Washington D.C. so you can listen to the New Beatles album and discuss foreign policy with a fascist… man. Are you worried about the Man trying to sneak a peek at your stuff… my man? Well, Uncle Sam cannot take your freedom or anything you put on the cloud because it has a lock that keeps others out… man. Be cool man, try the cloud and get ready to wake up to what is really going on… my man.

1950s

3) 1950s

It is time to be vigilant in the time when those ruskies are out there plotting to take over ‘Murica. When they finally invade our God given free land you are going to need a place to hide all your high quality products that are made in America before Uncle Communist takes it away. So don’t forget when it is time to duck and cover let the cloud cover your possessions. The cloud can store all your secrets and meet you wherever you are, which will come in handy when you have to go on the run to save your family from a Soviet invasion. A read sky at night might be a Soviet’s delight, but at least the good old USA still has the cloud on its side.

4) 1940s

Are you ready to sock old Hitler in the jaw, well then you need to buy War Bonds! War Bonds will support our boys in blue by winning this war. Of course to win this war you are going to need to save, save, save, and the best way to save on space is to store everything on the new cloud network. This new magic box is ready to store all those extra possessions you have that cannot be melted down, shipped to the front line, or stored in your home to keep the Nazi’s out of our borders. You got the Greta Garbo film? Then put it in the cloud. You got that Billie Holiday record? Well put it on the cloud. Don’t worry ladies and gentleman the cloud will hold all your needs for you until our boys come on victorious over that mean old Hitler and his Nazi party. Do you have someone out fighting for the old red, white, and blue? Then you can share all those war letters back and forth faster than the pony express itself simply by putting it in the cloud. With the cloud you can store your stuff so America has a little more room for The Effort. The cloud will keep everything you own and this ain’t a bum rap fellas. We here are Martin Finkerson and Associates, partnered with the United States Government, guarantee the quality and security of storage. Remember ladies, and gentlemen, “If it won’t help with the war effort, put it in the cloud. For safety and storage you, will make America proud.

5) 1930s

1930's

So, the 1920s may have been roaring, but the 1930s is coming up cloud! Right here I have a new device that will let you put your entire thing in storage. This isn’t a great depression anymore because the cloud is here for you. There is no more reason to be going down the road feeling sad because the cloud will carry that thing you own where ever you go. Come to think of it, owning a cloud will change you from a man or woman with a thing to things. Well that would make you a fine upstanding gentleman or lady that certainly isn’t depressed. I know I would be tipping my hat to you if I owned such a cloth like head protector. Speaking of mobility, you might be concerned of marauders coming after you for being a fine upstanding person of class always carrion around your possession. Well not to worry, the cloud is like bank vault sealed up tight and you are the only one with the key. Watch out Johnny Lawless you won’t be stealing off my cloud. The cloud will be getting this grand ole country out of this slump, and back to what we once were since the Great War. Once you have the cloud you will be ready for luxury once again with golden buildings with your name written across them, and caviar for dinner. It is time to move from the dust bowl to cloud nine with the new cloud storage network.

By Chris Kenealy

(Images Source: Shutterstock)

PSAs For The Cloud

PSAs For The Cloud

PSAs for the Cloud 

I am going to need you to turn on Arms of an Angel, by Sarah McLachlan, that you have stored on your cloud as you read this article.  It will just set the mood.

Storm Cloud

1) The Weather

The concern for your safety when it comes to dangerous times is something to never take lightly. As the saying goes, “When it rains, it pours.” Hello, I am that kid who is severely younger than you, much more sarcastic than you care for, and knows way more about technology than you ever will. The ironic part being I have only been alive for fourteen years. When it comes to cloud computing there are a number of people who just are sooooo smart. A study asked many people how they think rain would interact with cloud computing here. Now it may be excusable to confuse the cloud with a name brand, but there are sooooo many out there that think the rain is going to disrupt the cloud network from function.  That is why I am here to roll my eyes at you and say, “Cloud computing does not use real clouds in the sky to store your pictures of your cat. Please if you know someone who turns off all their devices because it is raining outside send them to the closest IT personnel so they can have a little joy in their otherwise painful, “I just downloaded a free screensaver of Dilbert on my company laptop and now it won’t start,” life.

2) Eggs in a Basket

A common misconception in our daily lives comes from the age old proverb, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Being that you might lose everything in one swift action. Hello, I am disgraced celebrity that is trying to make a comeback after being caught driving under the influence and fighting a police officer for a candy bar. With cloud computing you can put all your eggs in one basket, and feel safe about it.  You no longer must have your music on just your MP3 player and your pictures on your camera, those days will no longer haunt you. Now you can put all your files, music, pictures, and more into one basket, the cloud basket.  This way we can share everything in one place and never be scared of losing it all because of carelessness.  If only I thought of using the cloud instead of fumbling with my MP3 player while taking a self picture of myself when I was driving my convertible on the wrong side of the road going 110 mph I wouldn’t have to be here. So thank you cloud computing and that is what you need to know.

3) Passwords need a Top Shelf Number

Life can become a dangerous place for the best of times and the worst of times.  Criminals are lurking on the streets thinking of clever ways to steal, kill, and destroy your online identity. Hello I am that famous children’s actor that tours around the world singing pointless songs that your children have begun singing the second they saw me in this commercial. In this perilous time you can only trust yourself… with your cloud security. All there is between you and the thief that wants all your Ace of Base albums is a simple collection of key strokes, then pretty soon it won’t be just you with open eyes who saw the sign. So remember boys and girls keep your password out of the reach from bad guys with keyboards by adding a number to your password from the top shelf. Also, don’t forget boys and girls if your parents won’t pay the ticket price to see me in person then they clearly don’t love you.

4) Mobile Lifestyle

Your life is on the go and you don’t have time to slow down, kids had to wait, marriage had to wait, even your birthday has to wait for you to get off the phone while crunching numbers on your tablet. Hello I am ex-triathlon winner and balding sports legend coming to you to speak about the important of mobile connections. When I was in the middle of the swimming sections I could only think of how life is going by too fast and that I might be missing out on something on the land.  So once I broke the world record for swimming I realized that sometime I get ahead of myself and I need to slow down and spend some time with the ones I love.  Luckily with cloud computing I can slow down and play with my children because with the cloud I can take a picture of my girls soccer game and send it straight to my computer for granddad to see. I am always on the go but with the cloud now I don’t have to worry about my kids thinking I don’t love them anymore.

Some poor soul, somewhere, at sometime, is using cloud computing as we speak and they have no idea they are or what cloud computing is. Would you be an angel and take the time to share Cloudtweaks with them?

By Chris Kenealy

[Images: Shutterstock]

Cloud College: Room Still Smells Like Grapes

Cloud College: Room Still Smells Like Grapes

Cloud College: Room Stills Smells Like Grapes

In light of recent college graduates leaving the fake world of percentages labeled on their work letting you know just how hard you tried, compared to, “Do it again or your fired.” I am thinking stress levels maybe a bit high. I certainly remember after I graduated I would sleep under my bed with all text books because the bed was not a futon. I also bought a thousand scratch and sniff good job stickers too, and I put them on everything I did. My room still smells like grapes. Of course I ran out of these stickers and I was forced to become an adult when I didn’t have the money to pay for more stickers. So I got a job and now I repress my wants to live like a college student with yard work and vacuuming my house. Anyways, if you are a recent graduate with a degree in computer science you are probably working. Of course you can still send this to your liberal arts major friend, because what I am about to offer is valuable information for cloud networking classes at an imaginary school that is designed specifically for their liberal arts major.scratachandsniff

  1. Networking 103 for English Majors.

Yes before you come to class make sure you have drunk a stones weight in absinthe and pick a daisy for the teacher because this class is for the poets. You will learn the finer basics of what a network is, without the scary concept of numbers and computers muddling up your whimsical mind. This class will still allow for your creativity to flourish with the colors of an ether frolic after a reading of the Myth of Lycurgus. You may ask our professor such questions like, “Doth the red blinking light on the triumphant tower of cloud networks show the same anger from Aries’ rage or is it soft and joyous color rejoicing in its abilities liken to the redden cheeks of a cherubim?” Once you graduate from this class you will be ready to teach your fellow IT co-workers about the literary comparisons of storing your files on a network and Chaucer’s intent of the Canterbury’s Tales. Here at Networking for English majors you will learn that the cloud is not just a metaphor for sadness.

  1. Security Protocols for Criminal Justice Majors

Listen up maggots you are the last line of defense between order and UTTER CHAOS! What you will learn from this class will be used out in the real world to provide those working with the cloud the security to sleep at night knowing their files are safe in your trusted gaze. Do you want to disappoint those people sleeping so soundly like babies? I don’t think so. You will learn about deterrent, preventative, corrective, and detective controls to keep little Susie’s My Little Pony box set collection safe from any adult male who is otherwise known as a Brony. Those sickos are not getting by us because we hold the keys tonight. You want to ask questions? Well you can’t I tell you what security is, and then you make it happen.

  1. Cloud Theory for Philosophy Majors

What is a cloud? Can we begin with that first? Yes the outside world of philistines and troglodytes may view it as a machine, a machine that holds abstract numbers strung together to make something digital known in the technological realms as code. This code creates the ability to hold onto other coded items and distribute them according to the will of the person, be it determined or free. Then again is any of that real? What can we say about the cloud?

1. The cloud was created by man.

2. All men are mortal with a finite lifespan.

3. Therefore, the cloud network is mortal.

That seems like a misstep in logic but for all we know our logic is misled! Why if men are moral and clouds cannot work without men do they not feel the stinging coldness of mortality as they watch as wither away? This is why we need you to ask . . . the . . . QUESTIONS!

  1. Files on the Go 101 for Anthropologist

Are you the kind of person who is on the go? Someone who feels they are not content until they have hiked every mountain range in Sub-Saharan Africa with nothing but a back pack and a friendly disposition to cultural relativism? Well if that is you have you also ever wondered how all your curry recipes and pictures at waterfalls were sent to all your devices without you manually doing it? No it wasn’t a blessing from the Goddess Willow of the Black Forest. It is actually from this new culture of IT personnel that you can learn about. This aloof group of people’s way of life has never been studied but they do so much for you. Soon you will realize just how the cloud distributes your files throughout your network so you can never go without the music you need for the harvest dance of the full moon.

  1. Painting Clouds for Art Majors

We aren’t kidding anyone here we know you guys were art students so we are just going to give you some paint to make the cloud network hardware look appealing.

By Chris Kenealy

(Image Source: http://www.foodiggity.com)

20 Cloud Catchphrases

20 Cloud Catchphrases

20 Cloud Catchphrases

Everyone wants something to be remembered by and what so many people think they can get away with is coming up with a catchphrase or the very least a quotable line. I sat for two weeks thinking of a catchy phrase for cloud computing that is both funny and memorable. So I wasted two weeks of my life because coming up with a catchphrase for anything is harder than it sounds. So, I just repurposed some famous catchphrases for cloud computing and hopefully my legacy will be something else… Enjoy!

1) Dammit man, I am a storage network not a doctor.

-Leonard “Bones” McCoy

2) I pity the fool . . . who uses an external hard drive to store their files.

-Mr. T

Mrt

3) Can’t we all just get one cloud network to share?

-Rodney King

4) The USB jump drive made me do it.

-Geraldine Jones

5) I know it when I store it.

-Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart

6) I am smarter than the average CD-R.

-Yogi Bear

7) Don’t lose my files bro!

-Andrew Meyer

8) Turn on. Load in. Spread it around to other devices.

-Timothy Leary

9) Where is the security?

-Wendy’s Commercial

10) I am the decider . . . of what goes on my cloud.

-George W. Bush

11) Thank you Mario but the cloud moved all your files to another castle.

-Toad from Super Mario Bros

toad

12) All that and a network of files.

-Everyone in the 90s

13) Never leave home without it (Hey that kind of works!).

-American Express

14) USB flash drives, 3.5 inch floppy disks, and external hard drives OH MY!

-Dorothy Gale

15) Now you can store, and storing is half the battle.

-G.I. Joes

16) Ask not what your cloud can do for you. Ask what you can do for your cloud. Well actually no just let the cloud work for you.

-JFK

17) Silly rabbit clouds are for kids.

-Trix Cereal commercial

18) *($*&#@= BEEEEP #+(*&$^&* BEEEEEP CLOUD COMPUTING BBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP.

-The Jerry Springer Show Guest

19) This cloud was made of lemon grass and shellacked autumn leaves. It’s a cloud thing.

-Martha Stewart

20) Keep Calm and Carry devices with Cloud support technology.

-WWII British Propaganda

To be completely honest I am starting to feel a little more comfortable coming up with a cloud catchphrase. Maybe something like, “It’s the only cloud you want in your life,” or, “It’ll work in the rain.” Hmmm that sounds more of a marketing campaign slogan… You guys got any ideas for your favorite catchphrases? Well then put them in the comment section.

Oh… how about, “Clouding it.”

Never mind.

By Chris Kenealy

(Toad Image Source: http://www.mariowiki.com/)

The Inadvertent Cloud User

The Inadvertent Cloud User

The Inadvertent Cloud User

In our vast population, I have found that knowing about something seems to make people believe you are in expert in that subject and forever branded as such. For example, remember when you said one time when you were eight that you wanted to take pictures and every year since then your grandmother has been buying you cameras and film thinking you are the next Ansel_Adams. Of course if you get that reference you must be a photographer and are now defined only as such. So it is funny, especially in such a technologically driven age, when people are asked about a technical question about computers they will either be a normal person and help if they can or cower in fear. The cowering always amazed me. I assume these people must think that if they show the slightest bit of computer knowledge they will be forever branded a nerd. Thus, they will be doomed to work in a dark dusty basement for the rest of their lives surrounded by the computer towers they claim they know nothing about with Marlon Brando lying on his back in a dark room reciting next to you, “The Horror, The Horror.” Regardless, here are a few examples of inadvertent cloud users who claim to not get into that, “computer stuff,” whom I have come across with since my recent interest in the world of cloud networking. LET THE IRONIC SITUATIONS COMMENCE!!

1. The Student

Ohh college life, it is a time when you get to define yourself in a crowd full of twenty year olds who are also trying to be themselves but also wanting to fit in. The pull to push ratio is in constant flux, and no one has time to admit to clichés of technology knowledge when you are a theatre major. Of course, the ironic part being that you might need some knowledge with computers since a theatre major might get you the job of flipping a we buy gold sign on the side of the road. Well, I digress. I was helping edit a paper of said student, and this person had it on their tablet. I asked said person if they had a cloud storage service set up so I could access their work on a laptop to do my edits. “Oh no, I am not actually into all that computer stuff,” said the person, “I just use Google Docs to write all my papers on so you can just log on with my account and edit it.” To that I just smile to myself wondering if they knew what I was originally talking about in the first place. You know that nice superiority feeling you get that everyone hates but you. So refreshing!

2. The Small Business Owner

I always loved the phrase that business moves at the speed of you, but then you have to move at the speed of business. As we all know business is fast so you better keep up with the rest or the dust of business will leave you choking from the amount of speed it has to kick up dust and shake things around. Business! So it came to my surprise that a recent employer of mine needed me to have some past advertisements so I could come up with a new line of content. Of course, they didn’t have them on hand in the meeting, to which I ask if they have a cloud I can connect to and pull the work from there. “Oh no, no, no we are not a big enough company for all that, but I will just put what you need in our Dropbox and you can pull it from there after the meeting.” To which I nod and paint a fake smile on once again because this is someone who wants to pay me, so no back talk. Of course, now I wonder if cloud networking is a niche term since this happened twice.

3. A Parent

So what do parents love to do more than anything else that you dread will happen every time you see them? The chance to talk about their children! To be fair it is no different from that one thing that you have allowed to take over your life and nestles itself into the center of your universe. You know that one thing you live for, let me help you, it is that attractive cloud blogger’s weekly post. Really it is because you love his charming personality or his overt humbleness that causes you to stand back in soak in each delicious word. So, as you have predicted by the third section… “Oh I just got these new pictures in of my kids done by the photographer you told me about.” I grab her tablet and ask if they are on her iCloud. “Ohh I don’t know how to use all that techie stuff I just have them all saved on Snapfish. Just go to the website and login in but let me find where I wrote my password down.” A laugh of disbelief escaped my mouth thinking there cannot be this many people who don’t know what a cloud is, and I know now this is not niche because they are on every Apple product. So I add another stress wrinkle and wait and log onto her website.

4. The Roommate

This section is really going to be the litmus test if my roommate actually reads my work or not like he says he does. Well let me first say that moving is frustrating, and I am so sick of living out of boxes that I wish there was a cloud for all my physical stuff to where I could press a button and everything is delivered for free to my new place. I know what you are thinking, they are called moving companies, but I said for free. I am a writer in a world of non-readers. I need things to be cheaper. So as my roommate and I are getting this new house ready, I needed to look at the paint colors, he choose. The problem was they were on his laptop, which he didn’t have, so I asked if he had his cloud set up. “Uhh I don’t use the cloud system I rather just save all my stuff in my email that way I can get it on any device.” Well I convince him that is what the cloud does but sure enough he doesn’t want to upload anything to a network for anyone to see. With that my annoyance on the subject has reached it limit and now I am painting the walls whichever way I like and I am thinking all black everything. The walls, the ceiling, and the carpets, everything black to match my faith in humanity and their technological evolution…

I wonder when the day will come when cloud networking will stop being that techie thing that I don’t anything about. To something like Facebook how a teenage girl emerges from the shadows and say, OMG really, every time you tell someone that you are not on Facebook or Twitter. Then she will fall back into the shadows only to berate you later for being weird. Maybe one day my teenage berating dream will come true, maybe one day.

By Chris Kenealy

What Would Be On A Superhero’s Cloud?

What Would Be On A Superhero’s Cloud?

Summertime is approaching, which may be more prevalent to me than others since I live in Atlanta and it has already reached 80 degrees in mid April. So as I wiped the sweat from my face using my shirt because I don’t have any dignity or a towel nearby, I am left thinking about when I am going to find the time between nothing and nothing to get up and fix the air conditioning and summer superhero movies. Fortunately for me, I have a case of beer and I am a proud American, so I think I am going to ignore my air conditioning problems and see where this takes me instead. . .

Hey. . . what if superheroes use a cloud network, I wonder what they would store on it?

superhero-batman-jimlee

I. Batman

Well as my cheeks go flush, my pupils dilate, and I can’t seem to stop running my fingers through my hair thinking of Batman I am left wondering, what wouldn’t he have on his cloud. The world’s greatest detective always seems to have something up his sleeve, but that utility belt is only so big. That only means he has an over abundance of information stored on his giant networking cloud for any situation, and I mean any. Let’s face the facts, as one of his villains is a clay monster. Do you have something stored on your cloud that provides you with the knowledge to fight a clay monster? I don’t think so, but it only makes sense that Batman does because – he has everything. Thus, his cloud must have the largest storage capacity ever created with it filled with almost everything to be the world’s greatest detective. Wait a minute . . . This makes me wonder if he is using a cloud to do his detective work then how good of a detective is he really? Is he honestly just like us using the cloud to answer any question he can’t figure out himself like us normal folk who use Google on trivia night at a bar? No, no, no, I am not going to think about that. Get the bad thoughts of Batman out of your head Chris. He is the greatest detective who uses a cloud because it is sensible. Therefore, it makes more sense to just make a list of the few things he doesn’t have on his cloud, which I can only guess at because the encrypted security of that thing would be amazing, in my mind.

1. Family photos . . . Oh man I am starting out awful!

2. I bet Batman deleted the music of Danny Elfman for the more recent deafening BWAAAAAAAAAA sound. I hear he is just trying to shake off the Batman and Robin years.

3. A crime fighting rule book. Because he only has one rule.

4. A design for a Batman suit with nipples (At least not anymore).

5. Joel Schumacher or George Clooney’s phone numbers.

II. Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman is an interesting choice on this list because many people have heard of her, but not many know much about her. She is like the Earth-Link of cloud computing. Ehh Ehhhh High Five People! High Five! You get me! Really I just wanted a couple of females on this list as not to alienate my female audience who fantasizes about how swell I must look because of my alluring writing style. Anyway, I need to think of things everyone knows about Wonder Woman since that TV show got cancelled and would have helped with all the prep work for the jokes and allowed me to dive into cooler B-side jokes that make you think. Oh well.

So I know what you are thinking what could Wonder Woman use a cloud for? Well for starters, she flies an invisible plane that she has gotten really tired or trying to find the invisible airplane checklist and manual every time she needs to take off. It is not like she can just run into those things like a Jet. Plus she is from a land of all women, so you know she has years upon years of online subscriptions to GQ for “the articles” on Ryan Gosling and his favorite pictures of holding babies and cute animals. Lastly, she has to use the cloud for just about everything and anything that she needs to be a superhero! This may sound like a copout, but go search Wonder Woman on Google and tell me where she is hiding her pockets on that costume to carry anything. Let’s just say that her costume was made for a woman but not from one. The cloud just became a necessity with Wonder Woman. Hey, now your Cloud Computing Company can have a legitimate spokeswoman!

III. Aquaman

I know what a lot of you are thinking right now. You are thinking, “Why did you reserve a section for Aquaman? Who cares what he has on his network all he can do is swim well and talk to fish. He really isn’t a superhero, and I have yet to see Captain America or Thor on this list. I bet all Aquaman has on his cloud network is an article on the beneficial uses for seaweed wraps and the Barbie Girl song from the 1990s stored away. His cloud network is probably just a shell with a hermit crab holding onto all Aquaman’s stuff because he can’t get the internet at the bottom of the ocean. Of course, the security would be great white sharks also wearing gold helmets that look like shells with laser beams on top of their heads. You know come to think of it that sounds kind of cool. Of course, that is only as good unless Batman shows up with his shark repellent spray he had in the 1960s. So no. . . no, we don’t care about Aquaman’s cloud network we want Iron Man instead, or maybe Wolverine.”  Well then fine but this is completely on you…

… IV. Wolverine

In your hasty judgments on the fish whisperer, I don’t think you thought through the whole Wolverine side of the cloud. See Aquaman can go out on land and swim in the ocean, so I had a lot to work with, I was going to do a Beatles Under the Sea joke, but I am only here to entertain.

So now we have Wolverine, who is just a rage filled person, in yellow spandex, and who likes to stab things. Not exactly computers savvy from first glance or second. Now I hear you already yelling at your computer, ‘Well Professor X is a genius and would create an amazing cloud with all the X-Men to share their secrets on and it would be amazing.” So yes that might be true if the X-Men were real, but since I am running the show I am going to say that Wolverine is limited to stab, heal, and repeat I am going to do what I did in the Batman section. Yet to keep it fresh I am not going to speculate simply on what he does not have on his cloud because that would be nothing, but what he does not have saved on his cloud that he probably should have.

1. A book on anger management.

2. Constantly updated fashion magazines.

3. A good lawyer’s contact information (I am pretty sure he just is not giving out scratches).

4. The Spin Doctors to listen to when he is inevitable angry.

5. Maybe tips on how to cut back on smoking. Cigar are nice but in moderation.

6. College applications, because I am pretty sure that Professor Logan does not have a PhD in early childhood education.

V. Harley Quinn

What else but pictures of her puddin’ Mr. J. Plus, maybe skin care tips on what to do when you put on white and black makeup that covers an entire face. I am also hoping that all her mobile devices look like clowns that double as weapons. That way no matter what crime she is committing she will always have her Mr. J watching her.

By Chris Kenealy

(Image Source Credit: Jim Lee Comicbookdb.com)

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