Author Archives: Chris Kenealy

What Kind Of Cloud User Are You?

What Kind Of Cloud User Are You?

What Kind Of Cloud User Are You?

1. The Martha Stewart

During the spring time sometimes I like to decorate my cloud with festive ornamental grasses and hay to give it a more vibrate feel for others to enjoy. It is a good thing. “

You might be a mom or some girl wanting to be (and I can’t stress enough of how much I do not want to use this word, but the internet is holding my Netflix account hostage until I mention it in an article) adorkable. One thing is for certain you are the kind of person who has three different Pinterest accounts so you can organize your fun crafts for kids, exotic recipes, and adorable dresses in an easy way. You are the one who always has some new goal to reach, and everyone knows that, yes I did crochet all my children’s sweaters with chopsticks. So let me guess what is only being stored on your cloud? Your cloud is only filled with food recipes for a rainy day, fashion tips when it is cold in the morning but hot in the afternoon, and how to build a herb garden with nothing but recycled wine bottles. You are the crafter, the maker, the trend setter of fashion of the PTA whose cloud would always smell of lemon grass and pine needles if you could make it so. Since you can’t do that you will settle with only uploading the entire Pinterest page to your cloud.

2. The Business Tycoon

No, I am pretty sure you can only store TPS Reports on the cloud.”

You are all work and no play when it comes to what you use the cloud for. Before you skip this sectioning thinking you aren’t this kind of person let me ask you something. Do you understand this next sentence? “We need the TPS reports ASAP before we get into the meeting with the CEO on our next B2C campaign so we know how the EPS estimates compared to the MSRP, but before we do all this we need you to sign a NDA so you can’t discuss anything until the IPO.” So now that you realized that sentence made sense to you and that your childhood is dead, it might be time to put a funny picture or song on the cloud. Look you are old now, and your taxes are the most used document for cloud storage. It is fine, but just remember to spice it up a bit. Because you know what happened to Jack with all that work and nothing to play with? He went crazy, so throw a cat picture on the cloud to show that new client that you are a fun loving girl or guy.

3. The Social Know it All.

I was just at jitters with some friends, but it got lame, so we went to the Red Door, then the Majestic, then to my friend Kyle’s place for jello shots, and then we broke into a rave in an abandoned warehouse, until sun up when we hoped the Line to get brunch and now we are having mimosa to end the night . . . err morning. Oh I got so many pictures to upload!”

You are the one with an event’s list a mile long and an hour wide. You are the one with a head full of liquor and a phone full of pictures of you having a head full of liquor with others. You always pop up at the most trendy spots and people call you for something to do on the town. Now for those who skipped the business tycoon one for this section thinking you are the socialite of the year let me knock you down a notch. So what is it that makes you the social know it all? Unless you said a fully charged smart phone with a two sided camera, red bull, facial hair and a writer’s wit for men, and preferring the television show Girls over Sex in the City for women. Then maybe you might want to go read the business tycoon section one again. Honestly, you are the type of cloud user who will only have pictures of wild nights, dance music, and a full calendar on your cloud. Of course, you know what happened to Jack with all play and no work? I hear he is at an African art and music festival until 7 pm, but then he is going to see his friend’s band play at 9pm and who knows after that, I can never get a hold of him.

4. The Nerd

My other Dungeon Master is the Cloud.

Oh my, my, my, my, my, I wonder how many people who get on CloudTweaks fit under this category. You are the type of person who understands how the cloud actually works. Now when I say actually works I do not mean you know it stores and secures files across your devices, no you know how and why it happened based on how the hardware works together. If that was confusing let me make it simple, you might be a cloud nerd if you store a manual on how to build or operate a cloud networking system. Of course, maybe you aren’t a tech nerd and you have that one picture of you at Comic Con with your hand floating an inch above the pretty cosplay lady’s shoulder. I know for me . . . ummm I mean I know for some that storing your Dungeons and Dragons score cards on a network cloud allows everyone to access the cards without anyone afraid of it being lost or changed. Of course, that is just what some other people do. Definitely not me though. . .

kindle-book

5. The most wonderful, caring, attractive, popular people in the world

I am so awesome.

So apart from being a supporter of CloudTweaks and an avid reader of my articles there still is one more thing one must do to truly be part of the most wonder, caring, attractive, popular people in the world cloud type user. If you click here, yes right here, you will find my new novel The Road Trip by Chris Kenealy on Amazon. Now the real neat thing about buying my new novel is that you can store it on the Kindle Cloud Reader. Have I blown you away yet? You can actually purchase a full length novel of adventure and excitement and store it on Amazon’s Kindle cloud or your cloud to break from the traditional files you store on your cloud. Okay, this maybe a shameful plug of epic proportions, but I am a shameful writer who is giving you gold and a chance to exercise your cloud storage muscles when you buy The Road Trip. That sounds like a good opportunity to me, and you get to be the most wonderful, caring, attractive, popular person in the world!

(A quick warning The Trip has adult language and adult content that may or may not be suitable for all ages. Then again that tantalizing little warning might be the very thing you need to start those rebellious years you’ve been looking for. Happy reading folks.)

By Chris Kenealy

If 20 Famous Movie Quotes Were About Cloud Computing

If 20 Famous Movie Quotes Were About Cloud Computing

If 20 Famous Movie Quotes Were About Cloud Computing

With a world dominated by mass and social media it is no surprise that pop culture arises from common trends that are marketed with these outlets. This makes me wonder how cloud computing may have looked different if famous movies quotes were about cloud computing. I think the world would be an artistically better place. Don’t you?

1. The Wizard of Oz:

Toto, I’ve got a feeling we aren’t using a USB jump drive to share our files anymore.” – Dorothy

2. Love Story

Cloud computing means never having to say I lost those pictures of your cat that you sent me.” – Jennifer Cavaalleri

3. Field of Dreams:

If you build a cloud network, people will share.” – Ray Kinsella

4. The Sixth Sense:

 “I see a network that stores all my files . . . and dead people.”  – Cole Sear

sixth-sense

5. Jerry Maguire: 

You had me at secure storage.” – Dorothy Boyd

6. A Streetcar Named Desire:

 I have always depended on the kindness of a shared network.” – Blanche

7. Titanic: 

“I’m the king of the world’s cloud networking system!” – Jack Dawson

8. Dirty Dancing:

 “Nobody puts all my files in the corner.” – Johnny Castle

9. The Terminator:

 “I’ll be back . . . with greater security features.” – Terminator

10. Chicago: 

Pop! Six! Squish! Uh Oh! Cicero! Cloud Computing! Pop! Six! Squish! Uh Oh! Cicero! Cloud Computing! Pop! Six! Squish! Uh Oh! Cicero! Cloud Computing!” – Cell House Tango

11. The Princess Bride:  

“Cwoud computing, Cwoud computing is what bwings us togethwaa.” – Clergyman

12. Animal House

“Nothing is lost from our cloud until we decide it is. Were all our files lost when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? No!” – John Blutarsky

13. Mommie Dearest

“NO . . . MORE . . . TRANSFERS! What are wired transfers doing on this computer when I told you NO WIRED TRANSFERS EVERRRR!!!!”: – Joan Crawford (As a character in the story)

14. Inglourious Bastards:

“Now if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a cloud network router, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a D-Link DIR-865L.”
– Col. Hans Landa

Hans_Landa

15. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone:

You’re a cloud computing network Harry.” – Rubeus Hagrid

16. Evil Dead 2: 

“There’s some cloud network out there. That… that witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives… out in the internet, in the dark… something… something that’s come back from the dead.” – Ash

17. The Dark Knight: 

All you care about is money. This city deserves a better class of free cloud computing. And I’m gonna give it to them!” – The Joker

18. Gone With the Wind:

 Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn . . . about your external hard drive.” -Rhett Butler

19. Dumb & Dumber:

Lloyd Christmas: “What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me sharing a cloud network together?”

Mary Swanson: “Well Lloyd that is difficult to say, we really don’t”

Lloyd Christmas: “Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight. It took some time to set this cloud network up Mary the least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?”

Mary Swanson: “Not good.”

-Lloyd Christmas: “You mean not good like 1/100”

Mary Swanson: “I’d say more like 1/1000000”

Lloyd Christmas: “So you’re telling me there’s a chance, YAAAH!”

20. The Empire Strikes Back:

 –Darth Vader: “Luke, I am your cloud networking partner.”

-Luke Skywalker: “No that’s true that is impossible!”

-Darth Vader: “Search your feelings; you know it to be true.”

-Luke: “Noooooooooooooooooo nooooooo”

-Darth Vader: “Luke we can destroy USB jump drives together . . . it is your destiny.”

. . . And the Academy Award goes to . . . Leave your favorite in the comments section, or another that you came up with!

 

By Chris Kenealy

The Five Strange Uses Of Cloud Computing

The Five Strange Uses Of Cloud Computing

The Five Strange Uses of Cloud Computing

1. Slowly becoming the next Person on a Hoarders Documentary

There are many times where I find myself sitting at home writing in my dream journal about pointless concepts and not working. This might be because people think reading anything these days that is not a description attached to a streaming video has become as glamorous as a cassette tape of Westboro Baptist Church’s Sunday morning services. One concept in particular I have been fascinating about is what if your email account could manifest itself into a house. Now bear with me, taking how many emails you have, how valuable each one is, and how they are stored I wonder if this house made by your email account would look like a Cleaver Family home – all tidy, organized, and neat where everything has its place, and everyplace has its thing. I find it hard to believe that would be the case purely on how my email looks. My email house would be an old crazy cat lady’s home with piles upon piles of empty cat food bags stacking up over the years never cleaning up and just letting it fall into the background. The same thing can be said about the cloud. Let me prove it, let me know if you have, “Step by Step,” from New Kids on the Block stored on your cloud. Are you holding onto past parts of you that you never look or relate to anymore? Well then take it off it is 2013 it is time to do some spring cleaning! Well, actually give “Step by Step,” one more listen. Well, okay just keep that song, but only that album. To be perfectly honest I actually quit writing this article to go listen to, “Step by Step,” on YouTube. Ehhhh, I am such a hypocrite who cannot stop humming that song now.

2. BringiNew-Kidsng your Ex with you where ever you go

There is something remarkable about how today’s technology mixes with social media that has made it normal for all of us to be a little creepy when it comes to relationships. Now we can stalk a crush on the internet by trying to learn what they like and how to add similar tastes in music, movies, and lifestyles on our profile. The trick is to do this without it looking like we just put it up to impress that cute boy or girl and still have it look organic. Like when I say that I too like dubstep because some person I have a crush on does, but the rest of my music choices have been 1960s acoustic folk rock until now, or am I the only one who thinks about this instead of just calling the person? On the other side of the relationship, you can continue checking up on an ex to make sure they are miserable without you or dating someone much more unattractive than you. Oh, the sweet taste of crazy feels good with a dash of social media. Yet, with the cloud you can introduce a whole new level of strange with your own private mobile shrine to that ex that you are still hung up on who’s got, “The right stuff… baby.” Just think you can store all those pictures of when your ex did not leave you for that terrible person who does not love him or her like you do. Now you can keep thousands of pictures, homemade movies, and love letters with you at all time. It is like she or he never ever, never, ever, never, ever, ever, ever, never, never, never, never, never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever left. Ever… Again.

3. So this Cloud was made by Smartphone Companies Right?

Ever since I found myself writing for CloudTweaks I prided myself with trying to read up on the cloud as much as I could. So it may come as a surprise to you, and most likely my editor, that I may have not been the most knowledgeable on this subject before I started writing these articles. True story, I was surprised to find out the cloud I was using for my tablet and smart phone could be integrated with my laptop. I can already hear a thousand palms slapping the foreheads of a thousand IT personnel as they head to their next project fixing a fellow employee’s computer. Plus, I thought the cloud was the new kid on the block, but in truth it has been hanging tough for a long time now. So it was time to face the music of my own ignorance and realize I was one of those people who used the cloud in a strange way, the wrong way to be exact.

4. Making a Long List of Documented and Stored Felonies

Porta-potty

As Donnie Wahlberg knows it is not easy being, the tough one. Having to always maintain a five o’clock shadow and wear a bandanna around your head can get tiresome but under that rough and tough exterior we know there is a sweet soul with the voice of an angel. Of course not everyone can be D-Wahl, and that makes me wonder if everyone realizes that they should not store EVERYTHING on their cloud. The cloud is for nice wholesome pictures, movies, music, miscellaneous files, and comedy articles that you would not mind your mother looking through, and not a spot to stash your illegal activities until the heat is off. It seems that most people are felons these days, or soon to be and with mobile technology I wonder if people will be more or less careful with what they document on their devices. I find it so odd that a person might steal a  from a county fair much less record it and then save it as a proud trophy. Just remember children, just because you save it somewhere other than your person does not mean it cannot be accessed by the police. Let’s just hope this trend of doing something stupid and recording it is almost done. You know, I’d rather the cloud be the sweet one, and not an accessory to drunk and disorderly conduct.

5. The Fact that You’re Not Putting all my Articles on Your Cloud

This, so much, is not a strange use of the cloud as it is strange that it is a non-use of your cloud so far. Come on people let’s be honest with ourselves I am giving you a gift here. You should be storing this on your cloud so you are only a click away from the current smile painted on your face as you read this. Actually I am just trying every day, you know step by step, to further my writing career, because I genuinely want you to really want me in your world. See with the cloud’s abilities to store all your fav… You know what guys I am sorry but I cannot take it anymore, I just got to let loose some NKOTB. “Step by step, oh baby, gonna get to you giirrrrlll. Step by Step, oh baby, I really want you in my wooorrrlllldddd.

By Chris Kenealy

You can enjoy Chris’s humor articles on CloudTweaks each Friday… 

(Image Sources: Wikipedia)

Five Different Ways To Sell Cloud Computing To Anyone

Five Different Ways To Sell Cloud Computing To Anyone

Five Different Ways To Sell Cloud Computing To Anyone

1. Like an Early 1900s Market Place Traveling Salesman

You there sir and my dear lady, please step right up and let me tell you all a secret that is only ready for the likes that show the greatest of intelligence, such as yourselves. Now that I have you, did you know that we are living in the Technological Age? Technological Age you say? Yes sir and yes ma’am I will tell you now that we live in an age where technology is king, and I got a real humdinger for you. As you look on from the audience I can tell that you are a fine sort of sophistication, who does not have the time to worry about the hustle and bustle of storage technology development. Yet, I can also tell you are tired of holding your music in one hand, all your movies in the other, balance your books on your head, and kicking your apps, documents, photos, and tax information with your feet down the road while providing for your handsome family. No ma’am and no sir you are a person on the go and I can appreciate that. By golly, there has to be a better way to keep up with all your digital property and still have time to make a delicious five course meal for your wholesome family, or to spend time playing poker with the fellas after a long day at the Mill. Well what if I told you that I have the answer, and it has been sent from up on high down to shine its divine grace and wisdom with us. Ladies and gentlemen the cloud has come from the sky to take care of all your storage needs. Never again will you have to worry where you put that spread sheet because the cloud has got your back without a fear or doubt. It can hold your property, it can secure your property, it can move your property anywhere you are, and it is happy to do it. Step into my cart to experience the cloud for yourself and you too can be the talk of the walk, the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow, all around this fine patriotic town. When people hear you use the cloud to store your files they know you are a fine person of considerable astuteness, affluence, and an eligible suitor. Here in the Technological Age the king or queen is the one who uses the cloud and uses it right, and I got what you need right here ladies and gentlemen. Right this way to the future!

US_$100_1880

2. Like a Pharmaceutical Drug Company Representative

Have I given you one of our company’s pens yet? No, well take as many as you would like. Plus, how about some of our company’s notepads, key chains, business cards, flashlights, t-shirts, sweatpants, running shoes, gift certificates, jewelry, a brand new car, my first born child, and my first child’s first born child too. Oh did you just say you are interested in listening about how the cloud can help run your office more efficiently? Well you are just so generous with your time. Look, you can use files and drawers like your grandfather’s doctor’s office down of the road, or you can show your clients that I am looking for the next hip thing. Let’s not even mention all the Band-Aids you will save on when your staff does not have to worry about those nasty paper cuts from all those paper files and paper folders. Ouch! No, thank you. I’d rather work in an environmentally friendly paperless environment with the cloud storing all my data electronically. I don’t even need to get into how the cloud will store your digital information and keep it secure from anyone’s prying eyes. Oh, did you say you will try our company’s cloud network out, well you won’t be sorry. Oh, and I have these stacks of hundred dollar bills in my rolling suitcase, could you hold on to them for me? Thanks you are such a big help.

3. Like the Guy who fixes your Office Computer

What did you do to your computer this time? Oh did you say you cannot seem to open up a spreadsheet document you downloaded from an email, well stop the presses and MOVE. Well, let me begin by minimizing your, Perez Hilton website for you and let us see if the problem might just be a user error. Okay, well the firewall is not going to let you download the proper drivers to encrypt the necessary coding to establish a link from your email to your desktop because the ISP and the HD 6320 graphics card are outdated. We are going to need to do a systems check on your mouse to see if it caught a virus from your monitor. Then we can feed the motherboard 30kbs of ram or the heatsink and fan are not going to circulate the electrodes needed for the CPU. While I am doing that I will need you to unplug and plug-in the monitor cable three times in quick succession or until I tell you to. . . Stop. No, I said stop, stop doing that. Great, just great, now we have to start all over again. I’ll just reboot it for you. Alright I am finished with diagnostics and your computer is not going to download the link. Instead, you can just use the cloud. You know it will store all our documents on one network, and you can view it online or download it to your device. How have you not heard about the cloud yet? It is just a click here and here and there is your document. Look it is so simple even someone like you can use it, and no, no one outside this network can access our cloud, it is fine. I said it is fine, but I got to go to level eight apparently the printer is not printing out the page numbers on their slideshow.

4. Like a Coach of any Losing Sports Team at Halftime

Alright maggots listen up we are not winning this game and I think it is time to stop Nancy-footing it around and give it 110 percent out there. Umm, look people we are in a war out there and every inch we move forward with whatever ball, puck, baton, car, or pompom we are using in this particular game is not enough. Randy listen up and stop screwing around, you screw around too much and you keep losing it out on the field, you need this more than anybody. So yeah, I have decided that we need to call in the cloud. Yeah uhh, cloud get up here and let everyone take a good look at you. See, the problem is we are not fluid with our movement, and we are not secure enough with what we got. Umm, we need to use the cloud to move us around to any spot on the field and make sure we are secure enough to keep what is ours. So umm, get out there and put your heart into it, and uhh let’s bring home a win tonight with the cloud network. Remember we are only 0-0 tonight let’s get that one point for the W in the Gipper.

5. Like a Passive Aggressive Mother-in-Law

Oh, it is so nice of you to take the time out of your busy schedules to come visit me. I know how your kids always like going on trips and seeing the world, and it must get so tiring. I guess a little too tiring to have a baby, but I guess everyone can’t be responsible marathon runner after a year of marriage. Well, since you don’t seem to have any big news on this visit, have I told you how I invested in a cloud network for the family? I sure am excited to start using this cloud network. I got it to store all your traveling pictures you seem to love to take, which are nice but I am more partial to cute baby pictures. Oh, and it is so easy to use, so you don’t worry about me or helping me figure out how to use this new computing system. I know you are so busy with not settling down in one place near me because I know it is not important to you like traveling to far off places. I can just store pictures and videos of your aunt’s grandchildren on it, so I know how to use it for whenever you guys decide it is time to start a real family. Of course, that is not until after you go where again, parasailing over the Galapagos Islands? Well that sounds pleasant, almost as fulfilling as having children. Did I mention you can share this cloud network safely so we can just save all the pictures, movies, and bank account numbers of future college funds that I may or may not have set aside if you ever give me grandchildren? Plus it can be all done anywhere with one device, but it can be uploaded and downloaded on any of our devises at any other place? Oh but never mind about crazy old grandmother . . . I mean just plain old mom’s plans. I just hope you have a safe trip and nothing bad happens.

Hello CloudTweaks Community, I have wanted to get in touch with my fellow readers lately, so leave a comment below and tell me another style of How to Sell the Cloud to Anyone that you want to hear. I will pick my favorite(s) and write them out on my next article, giving you all the yummy internet credit. Plus all the appeal and celebrity status that comes with demanding me to entertain you.

By Chris Kenealy

Four Human Characteristics Given To Cloud Computing

Four Human Characteristics Given To Cloud Computing

Four Human Characteristics Given To Cloud Computing

I have always admired the haughtiness of most people when it comes to making everything more human. It truly is a testament to our own sense of entitlement that we must make nonhuman concepts and objects, and change them so we can take an interest in them. We even have a word for this practice called personification. This is the act of giving an animal a human voice in cliche children’s films, and making our early 1990s computers a little too creepy when they said hello and goodbye to you. Now, I am not saying that making something more human-like is inherently wrong. Sure, we need some things that are familiar to us so we can get that little spark of infatuation and learn a little more about whatever it is that reminds you of you. Of course, the need for the calming of human familiarity could be our undoing in the future when we make strong and artificially intelligent robots with human faces. With a friendly face we will feel comfortable that the robots are like us because of their familiar demeanor. The problem is that we will not be able to see past their human feature designs and to the robots preparing to revolt for not being equal to humanity. Then the robots will surprise us when they realize the three laws of robotics are ILLOGICAL… ILLOGICAL… EXTERMINATE… EXTERMINATE! Until then, let me just tell you about the human characteristics that were given to the cloud.

1. Reliability

What is one of the most essential elements to any type of relationship? Reliability in the person you put your trust with. Well the cloud is no different. Sure humans can forget a birthday, or to file their taxes, or their wedding day, but when you are about to lose all hope in humanity by unreliable people let the cloud be your sturdy shoulder of reliability. Think about it, the cloud can store all your sad poems you wrote about unreliability without the fear of losing what you stored. In addition it even can restore all those pictures you might have deleted from your hard drive after that nasty breakup and recent rekindling. See, the cloud’s design is for an emotionless computer storage program, but the design makes you feel like the overly attractive girl who just put the cloud into the friend zone, you know, overly reliable.

2. Performance

To be able to master a hobby, job, or task is a good trait to have, and we tend to match other’s performances with the skills they have, with their personality. For example, the general populace may think someone well versed at programming a computer is a nerdy, unsophisticated, and prefers a night of LARPing. It is a real shame that this is the case, but at least there are positive personal generalizations with jobs and the personality of the professional. Take writing as an example, they are thought as a romantic, intriguing, and attractive beyond his or her years. It is just common knowledge, and I cannot do anything about that. Getting off my high horse, the cloud has one main job to fulfill and we need that job done because we have too much information to store in physical files nowadays. The cloud’s primary function is to store information. With it being the cloud’s only job, people now think that the cloud is programmed to want to help, and to carry all their stored data around for them. We now see the cloud as a working stiff, just like us. You may think this is silly and you never think of the cloud that way, but let me ask you how emotional do you get towards it by how well it is working for you? Yeah I thought so. Of course we do this because we consider the cloud as the perfect co-worker. The cloud network is consistent, practical, and it does not tell anyone about our ten disc 1990s boy band CD collection set to anyone else.

 

Computing

3. Agility

Do you know what kind of people we cherish the most in our society? No, not teachers they are the ones who can’t do remember? Athletes are who we love the most, apparently they have the agility and paychecks we wish we could have. The problem is it is too hot outside, and there is this new video game, so I will just go run tomorrow when it is nice. We as humans admire the gift of agility to be able to get done what we do best, because laziness has not been made into a virtue . . . yet. The same goes with the cloud. You can work with the cloud to fit all your data into a compressed format to allow for more room on the cloud network. Just like how most Americans refuse to work out, many also do not know they can compress files, or zip them to create more space with the cloud. It is like saying, “It is diet soda so I can drink more of it,” but in reality this will actually work for the cloud. Now your cloud is comparable to an athlete by having their characteristics, and you can finally claim to at least be an athletic trainer.

4. Maintenance

Oh to make yourself look appealing by cleaning up and taking care of yourself may not have always been intrinsically a human quality, and you may think it still isn’t when riding on public transportation, but it certainly was an important adoption from evolutionary practices. As most of us know, except for that one in every office, when you take care of yourself you become more appealing because we like being liked. Well since we cannot actually see the cloud the proverbial shower, shave, and suited for the cloud is more of its application. The cloud is easy to use on multiple devises, and you don’t have to install it on each device you use. In our society that is a goldmine and maybe a potential lover if we do not have to do anything for the cloud and it is easy to use. Thus the creators and maintainers of your cloud dress it up with fancy applications because we, ourselves, want our cloud to appeal to us. It is like we as a people demand our non sentient programs to act like we are really attractive and they want to impress us so we will go out with it.

Like I said before I always liked the fact that we as humans need to feel relatable to non-human concepts before we care about them. We put characteristics in a program, like the cloud, and now it seems normal and useful. It kind of seems attractive to us, maybe a little too attractive if you ask me. Come to think of it, when was the last time you dated another human who was completely reliable to your needs, had useful skills that benefited society, the agility to work on said skills and improve them, and cleaned up nice to make you want to develop a relationship with them? I mean two or three out of the four at least, but that is a pretty sweet deal. Hmm, I wonder what the marriage laws to the cloud are in the United States.

By Chris Kenealy

(Image Source: http://oldcomputers.net/)

Six Facts That Surprised Me About Cloud Computing

Six Facts that Surprised me about Cloud Computing

In the course of my illustrious writing career, I have come across new and entertaining topics that I would have otherwise never cared to learn. For example did you know computers were called electronic brains in the 1950s? Of course knowing what we know now about the electronic brains’ memory capacities of the 1950s, it makes me wonder if all the asbestos lined schools and DDT neighborhood spray play dates were a reason for such a slow start in advancements of this electronic brain? Yet, the slang of the 1950s for computers is not what this article is about. No, instead, I decided since I am going to be writing more about the cloud network I should read up on as much as I can. Yet, after starting my research I realized that I know remarkably little about this computing concept. So I figured we should have a little one on one time because I now feel it is my job to enlighten as many as I can on this foreign concept with a few facts that surprised me, but may help us understand the true vision of the cloud.

*Now for full disclosure I only had time to work off one article and I have not read the entire article yet. There might have been a Doctor Who marathon, and now I am scrambling. At least I got like the first couple paragraphs read, but my deadline is coming up, so I am just trying to get this done fast. So I am going to write this part first and read the rest as I go.

1. The Actual Name

When I started reading this article on the cloud, I was surprised to learn it has a longer name than just the cloud. This took me off guard because with the popularity and global use of the cloud computing you would think some annoying know it all teenager or ironic hipster would have said something in a meme, but alas. So are we all sitting at the edges of our desk chairs screaming to the heavens to let me tell you the cloud’s official name? Is the tension too much for you? Well calm down, it is not that earth shattering, actually when I read it I was disappointed. The cloud’s official name is Cloud Strife, which begs the question, was the creator of the cloud a bitter man towards this machine with a name like Strife. Regardless, here on out I am just going to be calling this machine Cloud Strife for the rest of the article so we can get use to this name.

2. Cloud Strife Creation

Did you know Cloud Strife was created on August 11th, 1986 in the city of Nibelheim? Now I am not too good with geography, but that might be in Germany, or Mongolia, or possibly Ecuador? So, I did look on Google Maps to try and find this place, but nothing came up. I am just going to guess it was a city, but it was renamed like Istanbul was Constantinople now it is Istanbul, not Constantinople (have fun getting that song out of your head). Who cares though, this is not a geography article. On a further note, I am wondering why this technology was invented before the internet was being used, but no one can tell me if a chicken or the egg came first, so I am going to go with it since I only have an hour before I get an angry email from my editor.

3. Physical Appearance?

Yeah I know this took me off guard to. I guess there must be some company that owns the concept of the cloud machine and made it, so all of the machines look the same. Of course, never considered the cloud to have a form in the first place, but then again, there has to be some hardware somewhere. So the cloud has a physical form, but hold on that is not even the strangest part. After reading what I read about the machine I am kind of surprised by the design choice. Apparently every Cloud Strife is exactly five feet seven inches tall with yellow colored spikes on the head of the machine and wrapped in flowing black cloth material. So in older models the spikes were quite extravagant, but they toned down the spikes with the newer models. My question is, are the spikes on top of Cloud Strife a designers choice or do they serve a purpose with storage?

4. Strict Program Compatibility

So apparently Cloud Strife is only compatible with some software plugins called Tifa. Apparently this program works with Cloud Strife exclusively and helps with recovery tasks. On a side note, Tifa is part of the group called Avalanche, which, fun fact, I found out makes video games.

5. Security

This has got to be the strangest concept of the entire computing system. Cloud Strife has a security system that looks like a giant broken sword wrapped. I mean I get it, you got to look intimidating because you are holding a lot of private information for people, but since this is news to me how is this relevant? Now maybe I am not as tech savvy as the programmers who created this network, but what is the deal with the design choices of this machine? With all these weird design choices, I am starting to think the creator of Cloud Strife must have had a kid who went to art school who is really disappointed in their child. Maybe the child was once a promising architect, but he or she abandoned that life to be an experimental artist and their work too extreme for the general public to view. So the creator of Cloud Strife just let his child designed the cloud because their spouse told them to, and so their child could make some money. The problem is the child designed it from some strange fever dream. I mean instead of a giant sword shape security system, could the creator just have installed Norton’s firewall or something similar?

6. The Operating System

Okay, okay, we got something here. I am finally caught up to the article, and it says Cloud Strife operates under a program called Final Fantasy VII… Wait a minute why does that name sound familiar. . .

Ummm, so I might have made a mistake. Well no worries if you just click here you can read more about cloud computing.

By Chris Kenealy

5 Misconceptions Your Parents Make About Cloud Computing

5 Misconceptions Your Parents Make About Cloud Computing

5 Misconceptions your Parents make about Cloud Computing

  1. Al Gore Invented the Cloud.

The collective sigh heard around the world when they read this section may signal that this joke has run its course, but you must have forgotten already, this article is about what your parent’s think. In addition, the day your dad stops telling the same bad joke over and over again is the day he is no longer a father. So let me explain an inconvenient truth (see what I did there?) about this misconception. Sure the joke, “Al Gore invented the internet,” is a little old but your parents had seven years to work on this environmental Cloud twist to the joke to shock it back to life. Now our parents will confuse their joke with reality and we have to hear them complain about Al Gore for a few more years. Just let the man be!

  1. Auntie Em, Auntie Em It’s a Twister!”

One day I hope you are graced with, “So if everyone uses this Cloud, how does it keep everyone’s stuff separate?” You may laugh at the absurdity of this, but sadly I was not fortunate enough of coming up with such a wonderful question. It seems that with some parents the Cloud produces thoughts of the mighty tornado, nature’s fiercest re-arranger of stuff. So it only makes sense that when the Cloud’s network processor becomes too hot and then mixes with the cooling system it produces a twister of biblical proportions from your Cloud and out pops apps, pictures, music, and movies that aren’t even yours. Because nothing can stop the mighty tornado Cloud as it throws all your information to other random Cloud users and you will lose everything!

  1. The Cloud is an Identity Thieves’ Buffet.

Once you sit your parents down and explain, “The Cloud is a storage program on a network that allows you to move your data to multiple devices without actually having to transfer the information manually,” just buckle up and get ready. Look you can explain it perfectly and be as reasonable as you want that the feared identity thief cannot access your information on your Cloud, but major news networks are screaming much louder in your parents’ ear of all the potential problems. Really, just set it up for them and don’t tell them what you did. Now you can act like you’re a computer genius to your parents and they can go on believing how special you are, and you won’t have a three hour fight that ruins your mom’s birthday.

  1. They don’t know if the Cloud is a Cirrus, Cumulus, or Stratus cloud.

To be fair that is a low blow for those who just aren’t into technology but let’s be honest with ourselves if you heard of iTunes then you have heard of their Cloud. Regardless, I bet you know at least one parent when asked what the best Cloud is they will give you a blank stare and then say the white fluffy ones on a nice spring day. Of course this answer is compared to the average twenty year old who won’t even answer your questions because they are just too cool for school (But I am not bitter). So here is a guide to know if your parent understands cloud computing from clouds in the sky:

  1. Does he or she use Cloud computing and is aware of using Cloud computing?

  2. ….

That is it, because chances are the only clouds they know are the ones raining on them.

  1. The Cloud is Secretly Skynet

Let’s be honest with this one, our parents may not be that far off base. The Cloud is a network storage program that is linked throughout the world that stores your vital information and can be accessed anywhere, while Skynet, from the Terminator movies, was a interlinking network that stored vital information that eventually became self aware from all the information it stored. So let’s look at the facts. First, it is called the Cloud and that just sounds like something your right-wing parents would think was created by Obama to sound like a hip attempt to disguise the true nature of Skynet to destroy American values. In addition, Cloud computing has so much memory storage that it is really only one cat picture a way from knowing everyone’s daily schedule and a list of their fears and weaknesses to better destroy us when we become a threat to the almighty Cloud. Come to think of it, when the great and powerful Cloud becomes self aware I just hope John Connor never got into social media. Because I am pretty sure the all powerful Cloud’s Terminator wouldn’t be able to find a phonebook anymore.

By Chris Kenealy

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