The Five Strange Uses of Cloud Computing
1. Slowly becoming the next Person on a Hoarders Documentary
There are many times where I find myself sitting at home writing in my dream journal about pointless concepts and not working. This might be because people think reading anything these days that is not a description attached to a streaming video has become as glamorous as a cassette tape of Westboro Baptist Church’s Sunday morning services. One concept in particular I have been fascinating about is what if your email account could manifest itself into a house. Now bear with me, taking how many emails you have, how valuable each one is, and how they are stored I wonder if this house made by your email account would look like a Cleaver Family home – all tidy, organized, and neat where everything has its place, and everyplace has its thing. I find it hard to believe that would be the case purely on how my email looks. My email house would be an old crazy cat lady’s home with piles upon piles of empty cat food bags stacking up over the years never cleaning up and just letting it fall into the background. The same thing can be said about the cloud. Let me prove it, let me know if you have, “Step by Step,” from New Kids on the Block stored on your cloud. Are you holding onto past parts of you that you never look or relate to anymore? Well then take it off it is 2013 it is time to do some spring cleaning! Well, actually give “Step by Step,” one more listen. Well, okay just keep that song, but only that album. To be perfectly honest I actually quit writing this article to go listen to, “Step by Step,” on YouTube. Ehhhh, I am such a hypocrite who cannot stop humming that song now.
2. Bringing your Ex with you where ever you go
There is something remarkable about how today’s technology mixes with social media that has made it normal for all of us to be a little creepy when it comes to relationships. Now we can stalk a crush on the internet by trying to learn what they like and how to add similar tastes in music, movies, and lifestyles on our profile. The trick is to do this without it looking like we just put it up to impress that cute boy or girl and still have it look organic. Like when I say that I too like dubstep because some person I have a crush on does, but the rest of my music choices have been 1960s acoustic folk rock until now, or am I the only one who thinks about this instead of just calling the person? On the other side of the relationship, you can continue checking up on an ex to make sure they are miserable without you or dating someone much more unattractive than you. Oh, the sweet taste of crazy feels good with a dash of social media. Yet, with the cloud you can introduce a whole new level of strange with your own private mobile shrine to that ex that you are still hung up on who’s got, “The right stuff… baby.” Just think you can store all those pictures of when your ex did not leave you for that terrible person who does not love him or her like you do. Now you can keep thousands of pictures, homemade movies, and love letters with you at all time. It is like she or he never ever, never, ever, never, ever, ever, ever, never, never, never, never, never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever left. Ever… Again.
3. So this Cloud was made by Smartphone Companies Right?
Ever since I found myself writing for CloudTweaks I prided myself with trying to read up on the cloud as much as I could. So it may come as a surprise to you, and most likely my editor, that I may have not been the most knowledgeable on this subject before I started writing these articles. True story, I was surprised to find out the cloud I was using for my tablet and smart phone could be integrated with my laptop. I can already hear a thousand palms slapping the foreheads of a thousand IT personnel as they head to their next project fixing a fellow employee’s computer. Plus, I thought the cloud was the new kid on the block, but in truth it has been hanging tough for a long time now. So it was time to face the music of my own ignorance and realize I was one of those people who used the cloud in a strange way, the wrong way to be exact.
4. Making a Long List of Documented and Stored Felonies
As Donnie Wahlberg knows it is not easy being, the tough one. Having to always maintain a five o’clock shadow and wear a bandanna around your head can get tiresome but under that rough and tough exterior we know there is a sweet soul with the voice of an angel. Of course not everyone can be D-Wahl, and that makes me wonder if everyone realizes that they should not store EVERYTHING on their cloud. The cloud is for nice wholesome pictures, movies, music, miscellaneous files, and comedy articles that you would not mind your mother looking through, and not a spot to stash your illegal activities until the heat is off. It seems that most people are felons these days, or soon to be and with mobile technology I wonder if people will be more or less careful with what they document on their devices. I find it so odd that a person might steal a from a county fair much less record it and then save it as a proud trophy. Just remember children, just because you save it somewhere other than your person does not mean it cannot be accessed by the police. Let’s just hope this trend of doing something stupid and recording it is almost done. You know, I’d rather the cloud be the sweet one, and not an accessory to drunk and disorderly conduct.
5. The Fact that You’re Not Putting all my Articles on Your Cloud
This, so much, is not a strange use of the cloud as it is strange that it is a non-use of your cloud so far. Come on people let’s be honest with ourselves I am giving you a gift here. You should be storing this on your cloud so you are only a click away from the current smile painted on your face as you read this. Actually I am just trying every day, you know step by step, to further my writing career, because I genuinely want you to really want me in your world. See with the cloud’s abilities to store all your fav… You know what guys I am sorry but I cannot take it anymore, I just got to let loose some NKOTB. “Step by step, oh baby, gonna get to you giirrrrlll. Step by Step, oh baby, I really want you in my wooorrrlllldddd.”
By Chris Kenealy