What Would Be On A Superhero’s Cloud?
Summertime is approaching, which may be more prevalent to me than others since I live in Atlanta and it has already reached 80 degrees in mid April. So as I wiped the sweat from my face using my shirt because I don’t have any dignity or a towel nearby, I am left thinking about when I am going to find the time between nothing and nothing to get up and fix the air conditioning and summer superhero movies. Fortunately for me, I have a case of beer and I am a proud American, so I think I am going to ignore my air conditioning problems and see where this takes me instead. . .
Hey. . . what if superheroes use a cloud network, I wonder what they would store on it?
Well as my cheeks go flush, my pupils dilate, and I can’t seem to stop running my fingers through my hair thinking of Batman I am left wondering, what wouldn’t he have on his cloud. The world’s greatest detective always seems to have something up his sleeve, but that utility belt is only so big. That only means he has an over abundance of information stored on his giant networking cloud for any situation, and I mean any. Let’s face the facts, as one of his villains is a clay monster. Do you have something stored on your cloud that provides you with the knowledge to fight a clay monster? I don’t think so, but it only makes sense that Batman does because – he has everything. Thus, his cloud must have the largest storage capacity ever created with it filled with almost everything to be the world’s greatest detective. Wait a minute . . . This makes me wonder if he is using a cloud to do his detective work then how good of a detective is he really? Is he honestly just like us using the cloud to answer any question he can’t figure out himself like us normal folk who use Google on trivia night at a bar? No, no, no, I am not going to think about that. Get the bad thoughts of Batman out of your head Chris. He is the greatest detective who uses a cloud because it is sensible. Therefore, it makes more sense to just make a list of the few things he doesn’t have on his cloud, which I can only guess at because the encrypted security of that thing would be amazing, in my mind.
1. Family photos . . . Oh man I am starting out awful!
2. I bet Batman deleted the music of Danny Elfman for the more recent deafening BWAAAAAAAAAA sound. I hear he is just trying to shake off the Batman and Robin years.
3. A crime fighting rule book. Because he only has one rule.
4. A design for a Batman suit with nipples (At least not anymore).
5. Joel Schumacher or George Clooney’s phone numbers.
II. Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman is an interesting choice on this list because many people have heard of her, but not many know much about her. She is like the Earth-Link of cloud computing. Ehh Ehhhh High Five People! High Five! You get me! Really I just wanted a couple of females on this list as not to alienate my female audience who fantasizes about how swell I must look because of my alluring writing style. Anyway, I need to think of things everyone knows about Wonder Woman since that TV show got cancelled and would have helped with all the prep work for the jokes and allowed me to dive into cooler B-side jokes that make you think. Oh well.
So I know what you are thinking what could Wonder Woman use a cloud for? Well for starters, she flies an invisible plane that she has gotten really tired or trying to find the invisible airplane checklist and manual every time she needs to take off. It is not like she can just run into those things like a Jet. Plus she is from a land of all women, so you know she has years upon years of online subscriptions to GQ for “the articles” on Ryan Gosling and his favorite pictures of holding babies and cute animals. Lastly, she has to use the cloud for just about everything and anything that she needs to be a superhero! This may sound like a copout, but go search Wonder Woman on Google and tell me where she is hiding her pockets on that costume to carry anything. Let’s just say that her costume was made for a woman but not from one. The cloud just became a necessity with Wonder Woman. Hey, now your Cloud Computing Company can have a legitimate spokeswoman!
I know what a lot of you are thinking right now. You are thinking, “Why did you reserve a section for Aquaman? Who cares what he has on his network all he can do is swim well and talk to fish. He really isn’t a superhero, and I have yet to see Captain America or Thor on this list. I bet all Aquaman has on his cloud network is an article on the beneficial uses for seaweed wraps and the Barbie Girl song from the 1990s stored away. His cloud network is probably just a shell with a hermit crab holding onto all Aquaman’s stuff because he can’t get the internet at the bottom of the ocean. Of course, the security would be great white sharks also wearing gold helmets that look like shells with laser beams on top of their heads. You know come to think of it that sounds kind of cool. Of course, that is only as good unless Batman shows up with his shark repellent spray he had in the 1960s. So no. . . no, we don’t care about Aquaman’s cloud network we want Iron Man instead, or maybe Wolverine.” Well then fine but this is completely on you…
… IV. Wolverine
In your hasty judgments on the fish whisperer, I don’t think you thought through the whole Wolverine side of the cloud. See Aquaman can go out on land and swim in the ocean, so I had a lot to work with, I was going to do a Beatles Under the Sea joke, but I am only here to entertain.
So now we have Wolverine, who is just a rage filled person, in yellow spandex, and who likes to stab things. Not exactly computers savvy from first glance or second. Now I hear you already yelling at your computer, ‘Well Professor X is a genius and would create an amazing cloud with all the X-Men to share their secrets on and it would be amazing.” So yes that might be true if the X-Men were real, but since I am running the show I am going to say that Wolverine is limited to stab, heal, and repeat I am going to do what I did in the Batman section. Yet to keep it fresh I am not going to speculate simply on what he does not have on his cloud because that would be nothing, but what he does not have saved on his cloud that he probably should have.
1. A book on anger management.
2. Constantly updated fashion magazines.
3. A good lawyer’s contact information (I am pretty sure he just is not giving out scratches).
4. The Spin Doctors to listen to when he is inevitable angry.
5. Maybe tips on how to cut back on smoking. Cigar are nice but in moderation.
6. College applications, because I am pretty sure that Professor Logan does not have a PhD in early childhood education.
V. Harley Quinn
What else but pictures of her puddin’ Mr. J. Plus, maybe skin care tips on what to do when you put on white and black makeup that covers an entire face. I am also hoping that all her mobile devices look like clowns that double as weapons. That way no matter what crime she is committing she will always have her Mr. J watching her.
By Chris Kenealy